Well I guess you can say I was in love with my boyfriend deeply. We all go through these challenges and they say that the first love is the hardest ones to get over. Truly it is. I’m sitting here at this moment and time ready to be honest with the world which I never let anyone really let anyone know how I truly felt until this day. Today and well let’s just say I don’t really cry externally unless I go through something that hits me so hard.
This feeling is almost like losing my dad more than a few years ago. I usually am the one with a brave face and full of joy, happiness, peace and a few times silence trained thoughts. I think I never thought I would get to this point when you thought there was something there, the other has now a sudden lost direction in themselves. May be it was a unexpected part of me that was just a little blind because this was my first love, I thought of myself on cloud 9 with a sweet and sensative smart man who do anything and everything for me. I thought what I had was precious – I was in love with him. But I get it – I truly understand that if there is no sense of direction in a person you love; there could be no relationship. It truly pains me deeply just sitting here talking about it. I thought I could go on like yesterday that I found joy to get through because I felt like I could facade it but now today I just feel sad and may be disillusioned that it truly happened. A year and two months go so fast – time has moved so fast. I took a chance, a leap of faith – only what feared me is to come back to a reality. Now I struggle the need to shake off these tears of sorrow and immerse what I left and sacrificed for complete attention for work and to do it better is what I need. I know deep in my heart right now I think I took the total easy route and just gone back to my stubborn self and serve it with energy. I may have to revert back to my old ways, get back to writing poetry and take on the skills of writing blogs and things. I never thought I could just shut myself so easily like that and forget what happened to me and my happiness while it lasted. I think I need the time to heal but know that I never would get over it but I need some time to figure it out. I feel that it is time to get back on my feet again and although in emotional pain internally and partially externally – I know I have to find cloud 9 in social media again. Coming and going like that was difficult but I hope I can go out more in the future and just get lost in the moments before dating made me understand myself before dating my best friend. I know it may be layered before I know I could get better and I want to CRY ALOT. I know that I must get back in robot social mode because there I find peace and progression besides working everywhere. I know it will be a real struggle for me because I feel like I gave a big part of my heart away only to feel left partially voided by uncertainity.
I need time to realize that this wasn’t my path to happiness as I thought I would love it but a better reason that I tried love, dating and fun times but I feel I need more… What more is – just not sure. I know I can find it somewhere where I can be needy, loved and the balance pursuit of true bliss happiness.
Will I do it now after loving someone so much too soon. No. If I get a clear head and drop into full reality. I know I can pursuit some long time dreams with others I left behind because of my situations down the road. I know I need to be a warrior and stand up and say – shit thank god I didn’t get married or have kids with my first love. It pains me to say that just a bit but I think I need someone who can match my energy and have some kind of balance in between. Distracted or not. The next person may be I hope in the near future I can find that person – I need someone who likes to be energetic, noisy, listen to my non-stop talking, understanding and likes to go to free events to mingle with social media and celelbrities (whether local or international).
Until then I know that I need to time to heal before making any judgement call and when the smoke clears I know that person will be there. I don’t want to look for him, I want him to find me and hope that the time is right. This will be a struggle for awhile but now that it is over – I need to be directed for time to work on my future and no love or sex can fill that void at this time.
“I am in the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that is shining is going to be gold…hey I’ll be find once I get it in, I’ll be good…” – Kid Cudi